One of those days where we found joy and lived. When you find yourself in this widowhood journey, you often feel like you must hold onto everything. Every picture, every memory, every thought that revolves around your person. It was one of the first things I feared and expressed to my mom after Darren died. Would I forget the way his voice sounded? Would Kaitlyn forget how he was as a dad? Would we remember how he laughed? Would our family and friends continue to carry him on in their memories and hearts? This need to hold onto everything felt overwhelming and for quite a while I struggled to know how to handle it. Once I started writing, I discovered that I could share about Darren, honor his memory, share about this journey and allow Kaitlyn to read some of my stories about her dad. As I’ve entered a new part of this grief journey, I find myself going back to these fears of holding on and not being sure I have done enough to carry on Darren’s legacy. I worry about how to make sure Kaitlyn knows that her dad is always part of her, me and our future. You see, we have truly started to live again. Yes, we have lots of days with tears and sadness about how hard this life is without Darren and how much we truly miss him, but we also have fun days. We have days with laughter, silliness and believe it or not joy. We have found ways to find joy. This joy is a two-edged sword because you often feel guilty, you feel like you are not holding tightly enough to that person you lost. You aren’t doing enough. You are not making their memory enough of a priority and then you feel the sadness invade your life again. The sadness that Kaitlyn will not ever have her dad dance with her at her wedding. She will not have him there when she graduates from high school or college. All those moments that keep me awake at night. I feel caught between holding onto the past and all that it means, all that Darren means, all our memories and stepping forward into the next stages of our life. There is a song by Keane about everyone changing and not being sure if you are ready. Well, I’m changing. Kaitlyn is changing. Our life is changing. We are learning new things. We are making new friends. We are entering into new relationships. We are becoming stronger. We are embracing new challenges, experiences and joys. Some people may not understand these changes. Some people may want us to hold on tighter to the past, however I feel God simply whisper to me when it all becomes too much, “you can live your new life and still honor Darren’s legacy. You can find joy again, you can move forward and that is okay.” My God is with me as we move into these new stages of our journey. I do not want to be held down by my fears. I don’t want to be worried about what others may think, feel or believe is right for me or Kaitlyn. We will continue to do our part in carrying Darren in our hearts, in how we live our lives and how we love others, however I also believe that Darren would want us to laugh again, find joy again and not be afraid to move into a life free of fear. I hope you can learn this delicate balance with me. You may not be worried about holding onto your memories of someone, but instead you may see your life, circumstances or situation changing. You may know that you are supposed to move forward into all God wants for you, but you are not quite ready to step into that freedom. You don’t know what is ahead and it is hard, but you do know that God is calling you to become all He wants you to be. You do not answer to anyone but Him and you can have freedom as He leads you. Find joy, follow your heart, remember where you came from, who helped make you be all that you are, but don’t be afraid to step forward. You never know where that next step will take you!
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Kaitlyn and I on our amazing trip to NYC This week, I ran in a marathon relay. As I was working to try and run my fastest and not let my team down, I had a lot of time to think. I started thinking about who I have become in this last year, how I have changed and how I've tried to allow God to make me a stronger person. I've tackled so many things over this last year that I never dreamed I would have to face and yet, with God's help, Kaitlyn and I are not only surviving, we are thriving and growing stronger. This made me start thinking about the choices we make and how we end up where we are. Many of the things we face are out of our control. Darren didn't choose to die and leave this world at such a young age. I didn't choose to be a widow and suddenly be single, scared and conquering this world without my best friend, lover and better half. Kaitlyn didn't choose to live in a solo parent household and never see Darren until the other other side of eternity. We had no choice but to live and wander down this scary path. It is really easy to stay here and be angry about the circumstances we have been faced with and let me tell you many times I have wanted to, but I want to share with you about the things I did choose and how God has helped and guided me during this last, most difficult year of my life. I hope it can help you as you are faced with choices today and in your future. It is not done from a sense of building myself up or praising how I’ve done this grief thing (let me tell you, I’ve made some terrible mistakes along the way), but I want it to show you that even though we often don't get to make choices about the circumstances we end up in, we still do have choices to make about how we handle and conquer those hard times. On May 3, 2016 my life changed, my child's life changed and we were left with a lot of tough choices. Would we get through this? Would we make it? Would we survive? We both had some choices to make and they were incredible hard. I've talked before about the decisions we had to make the week Darren died, but our biggest choice was getting up each day and facing whatever came and doing it in the best way we knew how. We learned how to lean into God, those around us and each other even more. We learned how to make the choice to not give up and give in. This does not mean we didn't scream, cry, and allow our anger to overwhelm us or that we didn’t question our circumstances because those are all part of grief. Instead, it meant we chose to keep going, not give up or stop living and loving. I’ve talked with others in similar situations and they have all said that they had 2 paths to take after losing their spouses: 1. Give up and give in to their awful circumstances or 2. Choose to not give up and continue on like they knew their spouses would want them to. Many of us, make those choices out of survival or a desire to make it for our kiddos, but it is still a choice. I could have given up and let the grief consume me, but I didn’t. In June, we made the choice to go on our family trip to the beach. It was definitely not an easy trip. I missed my husband and I was still having to force myself to get out of bed each morning. I stayed in a house with my entire family. I helped throw a surprise 50th anniversary vow renewal for my parents. I spent time with my siblings, my nieces, my nephews, my parents and my daughter. It was terrible to sleep in a room alone at night and try to pretend I didn’t cry myself to sleep, but I made a choice to go on that trip and you know what? Kaitlyn still talks about how special that was and how she will never forget the beauty of that trip, even in the midst of all kinds of craziness. I felt Darren’s presence on that trip and I know that he was looking down on me and he was proud of the choice I made. In August, I made the very hard decision to take charge of my health and be a healthy role model for my family. I joined a weight loss challenge. I got up at 4:30 a.m. five mornings a week to workout. I packed healthy meals. I gave up sugar, dairy and most carbs. I didn’t snack, I didn’t eat junk and I didn’t eat my grief away. It was a hard, long journey and I wanted to give up. I even lost my grandfather the second week into my challenge and I so wanted to eat things I shouldn’t, but I didn’t. I made the choice to put my health, my child’s health and our future before food and 9 months and 75 pounds later, I know I made the right choice. In October, I made the choice to make changes in Kaitlyn’s schooling. She was not making it in traditional, public school and I knew that I was losing her to grief and I had to make changes and tough choices. I quit a job I loved and said goodbye to many friends and students to homeschool her. It has been a journey that at the time seemed like a very difficult choice, but I know that it was the right choice and I look back on it and know that God was guiding me every step of the way. She has thrived, made new friends, gained confidence and we have grown closer than I could I have ever dreamed we would be. She is truly becoming her confident, silly, loving and compassionate self and I know this is because we made those hard choices together that led us down a non-traditional road. In December, I made the choice to take Kaitlyn on a phenomenal trip to New York City. We almost didn’t go. We lost my mother-in-law 5 days before we were set to leave and I questioned whether I was doing the right thing, but after reassurance from my father-in-law and our friends and family, we went. It was an amazing, unforgettable trip. We saw amazing sites. We ate amazing food. We shopped. We laughed. We grew closer together and we made memories that will last a lifetime. We are already making plans for our future travel experiences and I can’t wait to share more of these moments with Kaitlyn. Throughout them all, I have felt Darren’s presence with us, encouraging us on with these hard choices we have been faced with. Throughout this year, I have made the choice to share my journey. I do not do this out of a desire for people to feel sorry for me (those that know me well, know I despise that type of attention), but instead I’ve always shared from the hope and desire for people to know that yes, grief and loss are terrible. My life is never the same. Kaitlyn’s life will never been the same. I miss Darren everyday of my life and I always will, but I will make the choices that I feel are right for Kaitlyn and I. Everyone may not agree with each choice I make, when I choose to make them or how I choose to share them, but I only answer to God, so I’m content with those choices. I’m going to continue to make hard choices. The next year of this journey is going to be difficult. It is going to be full of many ups, downs and hard choices, but I will move forward, seek wise counsel, pray and trust that I can make the right choices. Whatever you may be facing today may seem overwhelming. You may feel like you can’t face tomorrow and all it holds. You may not like the life that you are living. You may have been put in some difficult circumstances not of your own choosing. You do however have a choice to make. What will you choose? Will you give in and give up or will you choose to face each day as it comes and see where God leads you on this crazy journey we call life? Our family on our trip to Washington D.C. Traveling has always been a core value and one of our passions that I don't apologize for. I've always apologized for everything. From a very young age, I picked this up and in college my friends joked with me about my obsessive need to apologize. Darren also used to tease me about it because I would apologize for things that were obviously not my fault. He always told me to stop apologizing and feeling like I had to make everyone else happy all the time. He wanted me to speak up and be myself and let go of the need to please. We even argued over this many times because he saw how hard it was for me to try and make everyone around me happy. I think that is where a lot of my apologizing comes from, the need to please. Actually, I know that it where it comes from, it is my desire to make everyone else happy. I'm a self-diagnosed people pleaser. Let me let you in on a secret, grief and people pleasing do not play well together! From the moment Darren died, I knew that these two worlds would not get along. I was obviously in shock after losing Darren so suddenly. When you are are in shock, you do not always say what you mean or know how to answer the questions that are asked of you. You often come across as short and even unkind. Yes, even through shock, I still felt the need to apologize. I apologized for not knowing the answers to questions, however, these were not questions I was prepared to answer. Where do I bury my husband? Do I have an open casket? What do I bury him in? Do I stay in my house? Do I let people help me with things that I only ever let Darren do? All of these were questions, that at 36 years old, I was not prepared to answer. I found myself continually apologizing and feeling bad for feeling so bad. I have often played the role of caretaker and fixer. I tried to help others and give to others. No, I was not perfect at this, but in most of my relationships, friendships and even in my family that was the role I played. I could no longer be that person and it wrecked me. It made me question who I was and what my new role would be. Would people still like this Amy? Was I only going to be good to others if I was the one fixing and taking care of things? I also struggled with losing the person who I felt was the best of me, so I apologized for not being as “good” of a person without Darren. I was also entering a new role as a single mom, the solo parent for Kaitlyn. This required energy in a way that I never expected. My child was and is going through such a hard time accepting, mourning and figuring out our new life without Darren. I was constantly worrying if I was doing the right things for her and I had to make some extremely hard decisions without Darren here to talk and walk that journey with me. All of these things, expectations, new experiences, fears and my new “normal” were hard to reconcile with the people pleaser I normally was. As, I’ve walked this journey over the last 11+ months, my need to please and apologize has started to change and hopefully grow me into another person. I cannot be the person I was before. I cannot take care of everyone else’s issues and problems, when I must most importantly take care of Kaitlyn and myself and slowly learn how to be all God is calling me to do in this new world of mine. I still struggle most days and I’m still learning to be this “new” person. I hope this person is a better person, a stronger person and a person that is more content with who God created me to be. I have struggled so many days to meet other people’s expectations. I’ve struggled with whether I’m doing the right things or not. I have worried what people think of me and my journey, I’ve wondered if I’m doing this right and I’ve changed. I’m definitely not where I want to be, but I’m slowly learning to stop apologizing. What does this mean to you and why am I sharing this? Well, I’ve looked around at others in similar situations to me. Many of the widow groups I am part of, include people asking questions about whether they should or shouldn’t be doing this or that. Whether there is a time frame for certain situations, feelings and changes. Time and time again, I see people worried about what others think of them. I wish I could resoundingly tell them to stop apologizing and allow themselves to become the best version of who God created them to be. I also see this in the world around us. From our selfie, Snapchat filter society to our kids that do things to make others happy. From the way we dress to the way we live our lives, we are so often focused on making others happy and we apologize for not being all that we are “supposed” to be. Why do you think that people go into debt? It is not because they need those things, it is because they want to put up a certain persona about who they are. Why do you think people change themselves through expensive surgeries, makeup or clothes? It is because they want to look the “right” way and please those around them. We have become such a people pleasing, wrong priority focused world. I would love for us all to stop apologizing. Stop trying to be something we are not. Stop caring about the wrong things and instead start caring about the right things. I’m not asking you to give-up or quit caring about others, instead I’m asking you to start caring about others in the right way. God has created you unique and who you are for a reason, you do not need to apologize for who you are. You need to instead be all you are created to be. If God has given you certain passions, joys and drives in your life, you answer only to Him, so follow those. Be who you are. Follow the heart God has given you and stop apologizing and living your life for others. I love this verse below. It speaks about spiritual gifts. If you don’t know what this means, it basically refers to the unique gifts God has given each of us, that help Him and show His love to this world. I love that this verse talks about doing everything for God’s glory. No, we don’t need to please people, but we do need to use our God-given gifts to love others without apologizing for those unique ways that He made us. I need to continue to learn this and follow on this road, will you take this journey with me? Become uniquely who God created you to be. Don’t apologize for things beyond your control. Love others with God’s love, but don’t worry about what they think of you. I think we will be much more content and our world will be a much better place, if we stop apologizing for who we are uniquely created to be. 1 Peter 4:10-11 NLT “God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever!” Easter, 2016 As April 3rd dawns, I'm faced with a new reality in this journey: it has almost been a year since Darren passed away. Every month, I think how has another month passed without him by my side? This one seems even more telling and trying. I will be rounding that corner of a year, knowing I have faced all those "firsts" one time through. Kaitlyn and I have almost lived an entire year without Darren by our side. You would think it would be easier. You would think the things that you have already faced without him would become normal and ordinary, but they don't. I've been talking to a lot of my friends who lost spouses more than a year ago and many of them say the second year is even harder, different, but harder. I’m not sure how I will face these “seconds” and sometimes that thought alone is so overwhelming. I’m trying to live each day as it comes, so instead of focusing on how hard this second year may be, I’m going to try to once again look at things from a different perspective. I’ve been thinking a lot about how this time last year, Darren was facing the last month of his life. To many, this may seem morbid or negative, but I want to give it a positive spin for a moment and help you think about how you and I can choose to live life while we are here in this world. You see, Darren did not know that April of 2016 would be the last month of his life. He hadn’t been sick, he hadn’t been diagnosed with heart issues. He was a seemingly healthy 42 year old facing the regular, mundane tasks and life that we face each morning when we roll out of bed. He worked hard at his job, he supported Kaitlyn and I by being an amazing father and husband. He was a son, a son-in-law, an uncle, a cousin, and a friend. However, he had no indication that April would be his last month on this earth, living his life. Kaitlyn and I have discussed what we would have done if we had known that we only had such a short-time left with Darren. We both have agreed that there would have been so much sadness associated with that knowledge and therefore we would not want to have that awareness. Yes, there are things we may have done a bit differently, but we are choosing to live with no regrets. Please, don’t let me lose you here. I want to bring it back to how Darren lived his last month. No, he wasn’t perfect, no he didn’t know he would die soon, but yes, he did live his last month deliberately. You see Darren chose to live his life focused on giving to others around him. On the very last day of his life, he skipped a lunch trip to the gym to head back to the office and help one of the brokers on a big deal. He always chose to focus on what he could do for the people around him. Yes, he had his selfish moments. Yes, he made mistakes, but I can truly say he was one of the most generous and selfless people. He gave when no one knew. He helped anyone, no matter whether they would do something for him. That last month of his life, he served, he helped and he loved. I’m not trying to make Darren sound like a saint, but I want you to see the point I’m trying to make here, would he have changed the last month of his life? I can’t answer that question for him, but I would say, probably not. He spent the majority of his time focusing on others that last month. He took Kaitlyn to shows, movies and experienced life with her. He chaperoned prom with me and took me on a date afterwards that I will always remember as being one of our best dates with the best conversation and laughter. He went with my dad to a Christian concert and spent quality time with him. He enjoyed Easter and family time with our entire family. He played games with our best friends. He worked hard at work. He served at church and he loved people with God’s love. Would he change anything in that last month? I don’t know, but I do know that I am blessed with a great deal of precious memories in that last month of his life. This brings me to my life and to the point I want to drive home for each of us that are still here and living our lives on this earth. As we were in church this morning, our pastor spoke about being witnesses to our entire world and loving our neighbors, our city and our world. I thought about that last month of Darren’s life and the blessing it was to know that he lived that witness in everything he did. Am I living my witness in everything I do? Are you? If you knew that this was the last month that you had on this earth, what, if anything, would you do differently? I’m not necessarily referring to those crazy things that you have always put off (maybe you do need to do a few of those, though!) Instead, I’m asking for you to look at the bigger purpose you have in your life. You may struggle to be able to identify that purpose because it doesn’t seem big or important, but you are important. You are important to those around you, from your kiddos to your spouse, to your family, to you work colleagues, to the entire world. Don’t lose sight of that, in the mundane, everyday life we lead. You do make a difference and you do have a purpose. What would you change if you knew that this was your last month to live? What would you want to remembered for? Are there things you have been putting off that you need to do now? Do you need to increase the witness that you have on the world around you? Do you need to love more and worry less? Please, take my lead as I work to live my life, knowing that we aren’t promised tomorrow. I want to worry less about what the future hold while loving everyone, loving God and living each day and month as if it could be my last. I will close with a scripture that I memorized as a young child and that I often have to remind myself of. Please take it to heart and may we live our lives in this way. Matthew 6:34 “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." This week I feel worn out, worn down, emotionally exhausted and not sure how to continue on this road of grief. I'm sad, lonely, heartbroken and missing my best friend, Darren, more than anything.
This week is one of those special weeks that is supposed to be shared with Darren and instead I'm facing it alone. You see our only, beautiful, miracle child becomes a teenager this week. The child who Darren and I prayed for together. The child who we raised together. The child who had an inter-uterine birth defect and God miraculously healed. The child that changed our lives. The child that made us parents. The child that made Darren into an even better, more God-fearing man. A man that loved his wife and daughter more than anything, outside of God. The child who was and is the light of our life. Now, the only other person who loves her in the same way I do, is gone. I'm left to parent her alone. I'm left to try and instill in her all the things that her Daddy and I would have instilled together, without him. Some days I simply get overwhelmed by this "solo" parenting gig. How will the death of her dad affect Kaitlyn for years to come? Will we struggle through these teen years without Darren here to play referee and be our buffer when we are butting heads and both showing our stubborn sides? All of these questions seemed to rear their ugly faces as I'm faced with the fact that she is about to be a teenager and I'm parenting her alone. These questions haunt me as I look through baby and childhood pictures for her birthday. As I see the pictures of her and Darren and our little family and realize those moments are gone. Each time we are faced with a new "first," it hits both Kaitlyn and I hard. This week and the sadness of celebrating a milestone birthday without Darren has been incredibly emotional. Like I often do when I'm faced with these "firsts" and unbearable times, I try to step back, look up and trust in God. It may seem trite, but He continues to teach me lessons, especially when I'm faced with new challenges. I'm not going to pretend these lessons came easily this time. I've had to stop and look a little deeper and ask what I am supposed to learn through this? I share these lessons with you, so that you too can face whatever you may be going through and be able to still try to learn in those hard times. I also share from my heart about parenting, not to make you feel sorry for me and how hard it is to be a "solo" parent, but instead to give you a new perspective on parenting your kiddos and being grateful for who they are, no matter what the circumstances. 1. I'm learning most importantly that Kaitlyn has already been molded so much by who Darren and I have been as parents to her. She already has a great foundation. She has the influence of her Daddy and she will carry that with her through the rest of her life, even though she doesn't have the opportunity of having him walk beside her. You do make an impact on your kiddos. You may not see it when they are toddlers, but as you see them grow, you realize that they are turning into little people and you can and will impact them. Darren only had a short time with Kaitlyn, but his influence will last a lifetime. 2. I'm also learning that my child teaches me something new everyday and allows me to have a different, fresh perspective. There is a passage in the Bible about Jesus speaking about having the faith of a "humble" child. I really want to live my faith with a child like perspective. Kaitlyn stops and "smells the roses." She enjoys and embraces the little things and she doesn't get bogged down by being in a hurry or what she has to do next. She doesn't worry about money, the future or any of those things that God tells us not to worry about. The other day, we were talking about someone who was sick and how we needed to make sure to pray for them later. My sweet girl, said "mom, shouldn't we stop and pray now?" Talk about being convicted and needing to have her type of faith. I want to be that way and live with child like faith! 3. I am also learning that we need to allow other people around us to feed into our children lives and give them different things that we may not be able to offer. I've always thought I knew what was best for Kaitlyn. After all, God gave Kaitlyn to Darren and I, so we were responsible and we shouldn't need to have too many other influences besides us. However, it has become even more apparent since Darren died, that Kaitlyn needs other people in her life and we are blessed with some of the best. From my rockstar parents, siblings and family, to my stellar and supportive friends, Kaitlyn has so many people that love her and want her to succeed. I'm learning that it truly does "take a village" and I think as a society our kiddos could learn so much more by us allowing other amazing, godly people to influence them, surround them, show up for them, spend time with them, pray for them and be a light in their lives. Parenting is truly one of the hardest jobs and we can't go at it alone. No one will replace Darren in Kaitlyn's life, but I'm glad she has so many people that care about her and love her and that will be there for her for years to come. Yes, this week is hard and so incredibly overwhelming. Yes, I've cried myself to sleep missing Darren and wanting him here to celebrate Kaitlyn and the amazing teenager she is becoming. However through it all, I can learn, grow and find hope. Nothing will change my circumstances, but looking at things a bit differently does help me find peace, hope and ultimately faith through it all! Wow, I'm the mother of a teenager and I am so blessed to have the opportunity to call her my child. Happy Birthday, Kaitlyn Grace Currin, you are such a blessing to me and I couldn't be prouder of you, my beautiful girl ! Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. Matthew 18:2-4 NLT A family selfie, in San Antonio, while we enjoy the beauty of the River Walk. Going to the cemetery has become a regular part of my life. It is a hard thing, but it unfortunately is a "normal" thing for me. Most of the time, I feel the heaviness and sadness of being at the cemetery where my husband is buried, but I handle it. I try not to think too much about what the cemetery represents or means, but instead I talk to Darren, I pray and I contemplate my life and future. Saturday, I made my normal trip to the cemetery. I expected my regular, difficult, but manageable trip, however it was terrible and extremely emotional. I sat in my car screaming, crying and questioning. I yelled at God, Darren and the world that I now live in without him. The loss of Darren hit me full force as I sat there and I ugly cried. The type of cry that makes snot run down your face and makes you look like a crazy person. It was a very difficult and obviously emotional moment, however as I left the cemetery, I realized that my ugly cry was truly a beautiful moment. How is that possible? No my pain is not graceful and it definitely isn't fun or something I would wish on anyone, but it can be beautiful. You see in those terrible, ugly cry moments of my life, I can still find beauty. I can still find beauty in my daughter and the blessing that she is. I can still find beauty in the memories that I have with Darren. I can still find beauty in the truth that God isn't done with me yet. I can still find beauty in the strength of a relationship with God that goes far deeper than anything I could ever imagine. I can still find beauty in the creation of this world and I can still find beauty in the truth that I will be reunited with Darren someday, for eternity. As we attended Ash Wednesday service at church, this evening, our youth pastor spoke about the significance of the ash and how from ash or dust we are born and how to dust we will return. This made me think even more about the beauty that come from our pain, from the dust that we started as and from the ugly cry and painful moments in our life. Maybe you need an ugly cry. Maybe our broken world needs to do some ugly crying. We tend to be so afraid of emotion and pain as a society that we hold it in and keep it together. Brokenness and tears can be something beautiful. When we admit that we are hurting and allow ourselves to process through things, it can be some of the best therapy ever. Sometimes we simply need to stop, have a good, old-fashioned ugly cry, let out our feelings and then move forward with a different perspective, looking around and finding the beauty in our lives. My life is full of lots of pain and sadness these days, but I'm going to choose to let my ugly cry moments be turned into something beautiful. We sang the song “Beautiful Things” to close out the service tonight. If you haven’t heard it, please go listen to it (I’ve attached a link to a YouTube video below). It talks about God making beauty and creating a new person out of the ashes and pain in our life. That is the perspective I want to have and I hope that you can have it along with me. God can turn the hardships and sadness in our life into something beautiful. The ugly cry and pain may not change your situation, but it may change your perspective. So, let out some ugly crying, face the pain and learn that there is beauty all around you and in you and that God is making something beautiful from the pain and the hardships you are facing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIroFNU1Y-Y To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory. Isaiah 61:3 Kaitlyn and Darren at the beach a few years back. Today, I attended service in Austin at my brother's church, Austin Stone. There is something about their church and the worship service that always makes me emotional and makes me look at things differently. Last time we were here, Kaitlyn became overwhelmed by emotions and after many discussions and prayers, after that weekend, it led us down the road of homeschooling. This morning was no different. We began to sing “How Great Thou Art” and I truly struggled to sing this beautiful hymn that I normally enjoy. I started to really question if my God is truly great. How could a great God allow my husband and Kaitlyn's dad to die? How could He allow me to become a widow at 36? How could Kaitlyn be left to live a life without a dad at 12? I felt my heart being overwhelmed by those questions. My mind flashed back to that awful night and I truly questioned if my God is great. Then their pastor got up to speak. He talked out of I Peter 1:8. He spoke about how we can know we have genuine faith. He spoke specifically about belief and having faith and trust in God in the middle of life's storms. Though I believe I've been dependent on Him, have I truly held onto Him in this storm? Have I trusted Him to lead me? Do I believe He is great? I honestly can say that I don’t always have faith and trust that He will help me and Kaitlyn through this. I many times question whether he will help us to get through all the storms that will come along the way, however I want to live my life believing that God is great and faithful. I want to be an example of His great love and wisdom, even in the midst of life's storms. If I can truly live that way, I believe He will allow me to be an example to Kaitlyn. He will also allow me to be an example to my family, friends and those I surround myself with. I do not want to do this because I am simply strong and people admire me or because I know how to weather the storm, but because He is truly great in my life and He is leading me through the storms of my life. If you look up the history behind “How Great Thou Art,” you will learn that the writer of that poem and hymn, wrote it after watching a storm quickly blow through and afterwards leave a beautiful, serene setting. What about the storms we face? What if we believed that when those pass (quickly or not), if we stay connecting to God, we will find beauty and peace? What if we lived our lives knowing that we will have perfect peace, if we just can trust God through the strongest storms that we may face? I want to say that I weathered this storm and that I grew through it. That I became stronger, not by my own determination or drive, but because of a God that is working in and through me. Let's weather the storm together friends. Let's live a life of genuine faith. Let's lift each other up in our storms and let's come out on the other side truly saying, How Great Thou Art! Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy. 1 Peter 1:8 NIV Darren and I with our wedding party, at the church, the day we were married. As I sat in church today, I reflected on my past (I do this a lot these days). Most of my memories revolve around Darren and the way my life used to be, but as I sat in church this morning my memories went full circle. The church I sat in this morning, is the church that my parents pastored at when I was born. It is the same church that my mom and grandparents were charter members at. When my parents moved back to Oklahoma, they began attending there. The church holds so many memories for me. My grandparents were the janitors there, when I was little, and I spent many hours helping them clean the church. I went to the nursery there. I attended Sunday School there when I came to stay with my grandparents in the summer, after we moved away from Oklahoma. My brother attended this church in college. We visited many, many times through the years. When Darren and I were deciding where to get married (the large church we attended did not have a great facility for weddings), we searched around and finally came back to my origins. I married in this church and walked down the aisle, on my dad’s arm, to my love and to my future, in this church, over 15 years ago. We celebrated my parent’s being honored for exceptional service in this church. We celebrated the 50th anniversary of this church and were reacquainted with many from our past. When Darren died, the church we were attending did not have their own facility. After much thought (as much as you can think in that state), we called my parent’s pastor and simply asked if they would be willing to let us do his funeral there. They graciously and kindly agreed and went above and beyond that day to help and accommodate us. I remember greeting my family the afternoon of the funeral in the same room that I got dressed for my wedding in. I remember walking down the same aisles to bury my husband that I walked down the day I married him. I remember feeling like as much as my wedded life and future had started in this church, it was ending on that terrible day in May that I buried my husband. I remember sitting there thinking how could a place that held such joy, hold so much sadness for me today? I stared at the beautiful blue and red stained glass windows thinking, “this is it, I’ll never find happiness again, here is where it began and here is where it will end.” All of those things, hit me as a sat in this very same church today. You see, this is the same church that Kaitlyn and I now attend. We were in the process of changing churches when Darren died because our church was evolving into a new ministry and it became vital that we find a church and find one soon. We visited about four different churches and I prayed and sought for answers about where to go. One day, it just hit me, go back to the place that seems like home. Go where God leads and He will show me that I still have purpose and that my life did not end on that terrible day in May. All of this hit me full force today. All of those moments that I have had in this church. All of those monumental moments that mean so much. I have had many people question how I can go to the place that I held Darren’s funeral at and all I can say is that it feels like home. After all these reflections today, our very wise and kindhearted pastor spoke about our purpose (how timely, right?) He talked about how our life on this earth is preparation for eternity and that our life is an exam that is preparing us for eternity. He reminded us that we have a far more significant purpose than simply surviving or succeeding by the world’s standards. We are called to something so much bigger, greater and more important. We are called to make an impact on this world. We are called to move in closer to God and find His will and purpose in our lives and live that out everyday. This resonated with me because I’ve struggled so much with my purpose since Darren died. Darren had a clear purpose, here on earth. He wrote, he shared and he used his God given talents to reach others with the message of God. His purpose was also leading our family, being an amazing father and husband to us. He was not perfect and sometimes he struggled to fulfill his purpose, but he definitely had an eternal, long-term purpose. I have no doubt that he is celebrating in heaven, with God, and the loads of people who have gone before and that God greeted him on May 3rd with, “well done, good and faithful servant!” No, Darren wasn’t perfect, he struggled, he worked to overcome flaws, faults and sins, but he ultimately kept that eternal perspective and lived a significant life, here on earth, and is reaping the benefits today, in heaven. With all of that in mind, I often work and wonder about what my purpose is. Why did God leave me and take him? Why am I with all my faults, flaws and sins here and Darren is not? Pastor Hardy’s message reminded me this morning that God has a plan and purpose for me. I do not need to seek this purpose from anywhere but God. I may not know what He has planned for me. I may not know what my future holds. I may not see His plan quite yet in this tragedy and in my loneliness, but I will seek His plan and purpose for my life and keep my eyes on eternity. I will leave you with a verse that I have known since childhood, but that I remind myself of each and everyday and that has a whole new meaning since Darren’s death. May God reveal His purpose and plans in your life and may you be unashamed and fearless to follow His plan and purpose! And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 I've always been fairly independent and willing to take on most obstacles put in my way. I've skied, snorkeled, ridden roller coasters, parasailed and traveled. I guess I always looked at myself as fairly adventurous. I'm quickly discovering that I have much more fear than courage, most days on this lonely journey. I will admit I've always been a worrier. When I was younger, I worried so much about sleeping alone in my bedroom, that I would crawl down the hallway and sleep on the floor of my parent's room. I've spent many a restless night, awake worrying about finances, my future, my family, my child or some other ridiculous fear (this was long before Darren died and my worst nightmare happened). All this to say, as I look at my life, have I really lived it fearlessly and trusting that my God is in control? Or have a I lived a life of fear, only taking the comfortable well known path that leads me exactly where I thought I wanted to go? I recently started a devotional study on being fearless. I have been battling some stupid overwhelming doubts that left me near a breaking point a couple of weeks ago and I saw that I needed to work on myself from the inside out. Most importantly, I needed to let God take over and take control and help me to overcome my fears. This grief journey is hard enough without worrying about ridiculous things and never sleeping. I would love to report that doing this devotional sent me down a peaceful and fearless path, but quite honestly I've been put through the fire when it comes to fears since starting it. All the things that I've been worried about, afraid of, focused on and that have paralyzed me, seem to be hitting at once. I'm sleeping less and being afraid more. From the fears about whether I'm doing the right thing homeschooling Kaitlyn, to financial fears now that I'm not working full-time, to the fears of being alone the rest of my life. It has felt like, in many ways, I've moved backwards and let fear and worry control me more, instead of letting God be in control. The devotional that I've been reading, shares the story of God calming the water when the disciples became afraid. When I've read this Biblical story in the past, I've only thought about how God is there for us during the storms. Yes, this is a very important message, one that I needed to be reminded of often on this journey, but this time I looked at these verses differently. Remember the part about Peter walking on the water and becoming afraid and how he started to sink when he was afraid? Well, I always thought, how stupid that he could see Jesus right in front of him and yet he still didn't believe (yes, I judged him :-)). Now, instead of looking at his lack of faith, I've started noticing my lack of faith. I mean I can't see Jesus in the flesh in front of me, but I do not have a doubt that He is with me each and every moment. He has quite literally carried me every moment of everyday, especially since May 3, 2016. So, if I know He his with me, carrying me and that I can quite literally walk on water, if I trust in Him, why do I live my life in fear? Why do I worry about my finances, my future, Kaitlyn's future, what His plan is for me etc.? Why do I let those things keep me up at night? I could simply say I don't have enough faith, but I truly believe that if we believe God is in control of our life and our future, we would live a fearless life. This does not mean that we purposely put ourselves in harm's way, simply believing God will rescue us. It does however mean that we live our lives knowing that the God who can calm the waters, has control over our entire universe, knows the number of hairs on our head and knows our most intimate thoughts, ultimately knows that we are going to be taken care of and have nothing to be afraid of. I know that my future holds many uncertainties. I know that I will have to make some hard decisions. I know that I will have to face some stormy waters, but if I live a life letting God control those waters, knowing that He is bigger than anything I face, I can be fearless. How would that look for you? Can you imagine not worrying, but trusting? Can you imagine knowing and living a life with God directing you and not fearing what the future holds? I want to live a fearless life. I want to live a life full of hope, love and faith with my eyes firmly focused on a God who is bigger than anything I can or will face, I hope you will choose faith over fear and take that fearless journey with me. Matthew 14:29-33: “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshipped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” Darren and Batman at the wax museum Darren always loved a good movie, show, series, comic book or band. He was the king of pop culture trivia. When you wanted to know the year a movie came out in or the date a band became popular, he knew it. He would even correct shows we watched when they gave the wrong date for something. He was a walking fact checker and even though it sometimes drove me crazy, I mostly loved it :-). He was constantly keeping me up-to-date on the best music or some show that I just had to watch. Most days, since he died, I find myself wanting to ask him a question about who sings a certain song that I heard playing or ask for a recommendation of a new show to start and I'm stuck trying to figure out who to ask or what to watch. (Fortunately, Kaitlyn is a LOT like Darren and she has already begun to absorb all kinds of pop culture knowledge, so he lives on in her). One of the shows that Darren and I enjoyed watching together was the British series, "Sherlock." It just has a way of capturing your imagination and hooking you into the story. It recently came back on and I struggled to sit down and watch this show without Darren. Like so many things, it made me want to have him beside me, sharing it with me and I missed seeing our shows through his eyes. The eyes that saw things with a childlike wonder. The eyes that searched for the deeper meaning and didn't miss anything. I finally convinced myself to watch the new episodes (heads up, I'm about the spoil what happens this season). At the end of the first episode, Dr. Watson's wife is killed saving Sherlock. It obviously was emotional for me, especially during the second episode when they are faced with the loss and how it affects everyone who is missing her. I tell you all of this, because the end of the second episode is profound and I haven't been able to forget what is said. Dr. Watson admits that he was not always the best husband to his wife and did some things at the end of her life, that he deeply regrets. He then says, "I want to be the man that she always thought I was." Wow!! What words to live by. We all have messed up our relationships and done things that we shouldn't, but most of us have people in our life who look far beyond all of those mistakes and see who we truly are and can be. For me, that was person was Darren. He knew me better than anyone and he loved me just the same. He saw my good days, my bad days, my REALLY bad days, my temper, my judgements, my bad parenting moments, my impatience and yet he loved me anyway. He always thought I was amazing even though he had seen it all. He is still believing in me and I am left to remember that I want to be who he thought I was. I may be a mess, most days, but I am also blessed to be a person called to a greater purpose. I have recently entered a new phase of my grief journey. It's the one where reality sets in. Everything, quite frankly, is harder and I yearn to have Darren by my side so much. For so long, I've made decisions with him and whether we agreed 100% or not about something, we still made the decisions together. Now, I'm left to make the hard, terrible, difficult decisions without him and I'm left questioning everything. I have searched to hear his voice in each decision and recently I'm and learning that I can be everything he already thought I was. He always believed in me and my abilities more than I believed in myself. He always knew I could make it, get through tough things and become more than I ever dreamed. Instead of just searching for what decision he would want me to make, I'm working to become all he already knew I was. I'm determined to truly be the best mom, daughter, sister, friend and person I can be. I don't need to have him tell me what to do because he knows I can do it and I will become all he already knew I was. What about those of you who are reading this and saying, "I've never had that person?" Or you may be saying "no one thinks I'm that great." I have one thing to say to you, there is someone who believes in you and thinks you are pretty amazing. Someone who loves you, even when you lose your temper, say things you shouldn't or aren't very kind to those around you. As cliché as it may sound, this person is God. He believes in you, loves you unconditionally and has called you to a greater purpose. I want you to believe that and trust that He will help you to become all the things that He already knew you were and that He created you to be. I too am blessed to have a God who believes in something greater for me. He isn't done with me yet and I want to be all He (and Darren) already knew I was. |
Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
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