Kaitlyn and I on our amazing trip to NYC This week, I ran in a marathon relay. As I was working to try and run my fastest and not let my team down, I had a lot of time to think. I started thinking about who I have become in this last year, how I have changed and how I've tried to allow God to make me a stronger person. I've tackled so many things over this last year that I never dreamed I would have to face and yet, with God's help, Kaitlyn and I are not only surviving, we are thriving and growing stronger. This made me start thinking about the choices we make and how we end up where we are. Many of the things we face are out of our control. Darren didn't choose to die and leave this world at such a young age. I didn't choose to be a widow and suddenly be single, scared and conquering this world without my best friend, lover and better half. Kaitlyn didn't choose to live in a solo parent household and never see Darren until the other other side of eternity. We had no choice but to live and wander down this scary path. It is really easy to stay here and be angry about the circumstances we have been faced with and let me tell you many times I have wanted to, but I want to share with you about the things I did choose and how God has helped and guided me during this last, most difficult year of my life. I hope it can help you as you are faced with choices today and in your future. It is not done from a sense of building myself up or praising how I’ve done this grief thing (let me tell you, I’ve made some terrible mistakes along the way), but I want it to show you that even though we often don't get to make choices about the circumstances we end up in, we still do have choices to make about how we handle and conquer those hard times. On May 3, 2016 my life changed, my child's life changed and we were left with a lot of tough choices. Would we get through this? Would we make it? Would we survive? We both had some choices to make and they were incredible hard. I've talked before about the decisions we had to make the week Darren died, but our biggest choice was getting up each day and facing whatever came and doing it in the best way we knew how. We learned how to lean into God, those around us and each other even more. We learned how to make the choice to not give up and give in. This does not mean we didn't scream, cry, and allow our anger to overwhelm us or that we didn’t question our circumstances because those are all part of grief. Instead, it meant we chose to keep going, not give up or stop living and loving. I’ve talked with others in similar situations and they have all said that they had 2 paths to take after losing their spouses: 1. Give up and give in to their awful circumstances or 2. Choose to not give up and continue on like they knew their spouses would want them to. Many of us, make those choices out of survival or a desire to make it for our kiddos, but it is still a choice. I could have given up and let the grief consume me, but I didn’t. In June, we made the choice to go on our family trip to the beach. It was definitely not an easy trip. I missed my husband and I was still having to force myself to get out of bed each morning. I stayed in a house with my entire family. I helped throw a surprise 50th anniversary vow renewal for my parents. I spent time with my siblings, my nieces, my nephews, my parents and my daughter. It was terrible to sleep in a room alone at night and try to pretend I didn’t cry myself to sleep, but I made a choice to go on that trip and you know what? Kaitlyn still talks about how special that was and how she will never forget the beauty of that trip, even in the midst of all kinds of craziness. I felt Darren’s presence on that trip and I know that he was looking down on me and he was proud of the choice I made. In August, I made the very hard decision to take charge of my health and be a healthy role model for my family. I joined a weight loss challenge. I got up at 4:30 a.m. five mornings a week to workout. I packed healthy meals. I gave up sugar, dairy and most carbs. I didn’t snack, I didn’t eat junk and I didn’t eat my grief away. It was a hard, long journey and I wanted to give up. I even lost my grandfather the second week into my challenge and I so wanted to eat things I shouldn’t, but I didn’t. I made the choice to put my health, my child’s health and our future before food and 9 months and 75 pounds later, I know I made the right choice. In October, I made the choice to make changes in Kaitlyn’s schooling. She was not making it in traditional, public school and I knew that I was losing her to grief and I had to make changes and tough choices. I quit a job I loved and said goodbye to many friends and students to homeschool her. It has been a journey that at the time seemed like a very difficult choice, but I know that it was the right choice and I look back on it and know that God was guiding me every step of the way. She has thrived, made new friends, gained confidence and we have grown closer than I could I have ever dreamed we would be. She is truly becoming her confident, silly, loving and compassionate self and I know this is because we made those hard choices together that led us down a non-traditional road. In December, I made the choice to take Kaitlyn on a phenomenal trip to New York City. We almost didn’t go. We lost my mother-in-law 5 days before we were set to leave and I questioned whether I was doing the right thing, but after reassurance from my father-in-law and our friends and family, we went. It was an amazing, unforgettable trip. We saw amazing sites. We ate amazing food. We shopped. We laughed. We grew closer together and we made memories that will last a lifetime. We are already making plans for our future travel experiences and I can’t wait to share more of these moments with Kaitlyn. Throughout them all, I have felt Darren’s presence with us, encouraging us on with these hard choices we have been faced with. Throughout this year, I have made the choice to share my journey. I do not do this out of a desire for people to feel sorry for me (those that know me well, know I despise that type of attention), but instead I’ve always shared from the hope and desire for people to know that yes, grief and loss are terrible. My life is never the same. Kaitlyn’s life will never been the same. I miss Darren everyday of my life and I always will, but I will make the choices that I feel are right for Kaitlyn and I. Everyone may not agree with each choice I make, when I choose to make them or how I choose to share them, but I only answer to God, so I’m content with those choices. I’m going to continue to make hard choices. The next year of this journey is going to be difficult. It is going to be full of many ups, downs and hard choices, but I will move forward, seek wise counsel, pray and trust that I can make the right choices. Whatever you may be facing today may seem overwhelming. You may feel like you can’t face tomorrow and all it holds. You may not like the life that you are living. You may have been put in some difficult circumstances not of your own choosing. You do however have a choice to make. What will you choose? Will you give in and give up or will you choose to face each day as it comes and see where God leads you on this crazy journey we call life?
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Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
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