Kaitlyn and I admiring the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas tree! 2016 will go down as the toughest year of my life thus far, without a doubt. So many people around me keep saying they can't believe this year and all it has brought to our family and close friends. Yes, it has been terrible, but 2016 has taught me some valuable lessons that I will carry with me into the next year and beyond. I share these with each of you in hopes that my lessons can help you to see that even in the midst of mourning, sadness or whatever you may be going through, you can learn grow and become all God wants you to be. Don't miss the light that shines, even in the darkest nights. I learned that death can be a peaceful thing. My grandmother passed away in January. She was 91, had lived a long life, had been fighting dementia for years and was ready to see her Lord and Savior in heaven. I watched as my mom and her siblings each told her goodbye and tenderly cared for her on her deathbed. I watched as my grandfather, her husband of almost 70 years, told his bride goodbye. I watched as she passed onto eternity and as even in that moment there was peace in the midst of this sadness. I learned that death is not something to fear when you have the hope for an eternity in heaven with a God that has prepared a special place for us. When I look back at these lessons from January, I know that God was preparing my heart for what lay ahead. He was gently preparing me for the sadness that sudden death would bring. Another valuable lesson I learned in 2016, came after Darren’s death. I learned that the impact and legacy we are leaving reaches far beyond what we know when we are alive. After Darren died, so many came forward to tell me stories about how Darren had impacted their life, many of these things, I wasn’t even aware of. Person after person, told me that Darren was their “best friend.” So many people talked about how Darren touched and impacted their life. I will tell you that I know for a fact that Darren did not realize the impact he was having. Part of this was because he was just such a humble person, but much of this is because we don’t know how much we impact people. I think as humans we could do a better job of telling people how they impact us, but I also think that we need to just remember that we do not know who is watching or what they may need. You may be making a larger impact on those around you than you will ever know when you are here on this earth. Pay attention, care for others and don’t forget that your legacy and good name is something that you will carry with you long after you are gone from this earth. One of the most important lessons I learned is that my God is definitely bigger, stronger, and more amazing than I ever really comprehended. I grew up in a Christian home as a pastor’s kid. I accepted Jesus as my savior when I was 6 years old. My brother prayed the prayer of salvation with me. Yes, my life was devoted to God and His calling, but until May 3rd, 2016, I really never believed that God was stronger than anything I could face. I remember thinking after Darren died that there is no way I was going to survive this. I truly believed this would break me and that I would only be a shell of who I was while Darren was alive. I had lived a life devoted to God and Darren and I had been in the ministry, but I never had really let go and let God have complete control. When my world came crashing down around me, I truly had two choices. I could give up and give in to all my fears, doubts and worry or I could give up all my control to God and let Him lead and guide me. I chose the latter and I’m so grateful I did. I let my God take over, lead me, guide me, strengthen me and help me each second, minute and hour. He had been waiting almost 37 years for me to give over that complete control to Him and it took a tragedy for me to do it, but He was still there waiting and believing in me. He took over and He has directed each day of this journey. I still try to pull back on that control sometimes, but He gently reminds me that He is in control and that He is the only person who can be stronger and bigger than anything I face. I have people tell me how strong I am and I am quick to say that it is God. I am NOT strong, I am weak, sad, lonely and vulnerable, but my God is not. He is helping me each and everyday, He has carried me and he will continue to carry me every step of my life. Another valuable lesson that 2016 has taught me, is to allow others to help us. We are not meant to live our lives alone and do everything alone. Yes, God is ultimately our provider and strength, but He has put people into our lives to help us. I have never been good at letting people help me or do things for me. I always want to be the one doing things for others and this year, that had to change. I had to accept help and allow others to help take care of me. From financial assistance, to help with Kaitlyn, to meals, to prayers, to texts, to helping me around my house, I have needed people to help. I would not have made it without these people that God has placed in my life. If I had not given up some control and allowed them to step up and help me, not only would I have been robbing those people of the joy of helping, but I would have been robbing myself of the joy of receiving their assistance. Just like my control issues with God, this is a lesson that I still struggle with, but each day I’m learning to allow others to step up and be part of my journey. Finally, 2016 has taught me that we each have a purpose while we are here. I have grappled with the question of why God chose to leave me here and allowed Darren to die. I think part of this is just survivor’s guilt, but I think part of it was realizing the impact that Darren had on so many people. Because of his impact, I wondered about my true purpose. If I’m the one left, then God isn’t done with me yet. He has great plans and a purpose for me. He has started to slowly reveal this purpose to me, but I’m still having to trust in His plans for me. One thing that I know I’m here for is my beautiful daughter, Kaitlyn. Since Darren died we have become closer and have a stronger relationship than I ever hoped for or imagined we would. Her and Darren were so close and I always felt like the disciplinary who was left to do all the not so fun things. Now, I am still having to do the discipline, but I’m also getting to experience things with her that I was too busy or unwilling to see before. I am traveling with her and looking at things through her childlike wonder. She is so much like Darren, so that is a blessing each and everyday. I know that God is not finished with me yet and even though I may not know what the future holds, I do know that He holds my future and isn’t done with me yet. I pray that each of you have a good New Year. I pray that no matter what 2017 holds for you, that you will find joy, peace and learn the many lessons that lie ahead. I thank each of you that held me up in my sorrow and mourning and I hope that one day I can bless you the way you have blessed me. Happy New Year!
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Darren & Kaitlyn before the Daddy-Daughter dance last year. After almost 18 years of being with a self-proclaimed sci-fi geek, I saw my fair share of movies and shows in this genre. In many of them, there are stories about alternate universes or realities. They all have a twist on a similar idea. You either wake up or somehow tear through the space/time continuum to end up in a different universe. It looks very much like the world that you lived in with a few, marked differences. They may drive fancier cars, it may be brighter, drearier, more violent or dirtier, but you still recognize the streets and many of the people in this other reality. On the night that Darren died, I remember telling my mom to wake me up from this terrible nightmare over and over again. The next day, May 4th, it felt like I woke-up living in an alternate universe. Everything looked very similar to the world I woke up in on May 3rd, but somehow on May 4th everything was off. Everyone looked a little different, a little drearier, a little sadder and it definitely did not feel right. This reality was now my new reality and I was definitely not prepared for how it looked, felt or all that it meant to me and Kaitlyn. The morning Darren died, we had normal conversations. Kaitlyn and I were running behind, as usual. We went to tell Darren goodbye, as usual. I texted Darren during my day to let him know some news about school, as usual. He called me after work to tell me how his day had been, as usual. He called me to tell me he was running late, as usual. We ate a quick dinner and headed off to the gym. All of these things seemed so “normal” and definitely not part of an altered reality or universe. However, that night everything changed, shattered and will never go back to that “normal” reality. It’s amazing how one loss, event or tragedy and everything changes. It changes how the world looks. It changes the way you look at people. It changes how you look at the sunrise and sunset. It changed my marital status from married to widowed. It changed my child from having a dad to living in a solo-parent family. It changed how people viewed me, sometimes with pity (which I hate). It changed all of my future plans to grow old with Darren. It changed Kaitlyn’s future from the daddy-daughter dance, at her wedding, that she would never have, to her future school plans and all she would become. It changed my in-laws, it changed our extended family, it changed our friends, it changed our faith and it altered our reality. I have made a choice to wake-up in this new alternative universe each day and not give-up or give in to my fears, doubts and anxiety. I’ve also chosen to allow this altered reality to change my perspective, in a good way and not allow myself to become bitter. I’m choosing to not live in fear. I’m choosing to love more, hurt less, be a better mom, daughter, aunt, friend, and sharing God’s love without fear. I can never go back to the morning of May 3rd where things were “normal” and live it again, but I can choose to let this altered reality become a different, deeper thing. Because of this tragedy, I will not take a day of my life for granted. I will not take a moment I have with my child for granted. I will not take a moment I have to love others for granted. I would not change this perspective or view, even though I would give anything to have Darren back. Why do I tell you each about this alternate universe that I live in? Because I don’t want you to have to face a tragic event before you have this view and perspective. No, you won’t understand completely what this alternate reality feels like, but you can look at things differently. You can take each day as a gift. You can enjoy even the smallest and most normal interactions that you have with your loved ones. I would love to have one more moment to tell Darren how much he means to me. I would love to have another moment to hold him, hug him, kiss him or just talk to him. Don’t take those moments for granted! In a world filled with distractions and busyness, please choose to stop, look around at how truly blessed you are and let those closest to you know how much they mean. Maybe you don’t have a lot of people close to you or maybe life isn’t very happy for you in the world you are living right now. Maybe your marriage is on the brink of divorce, maybe you’ve turned your back on your faith, your friends or your family. Maybe you have lived for yourself and quit caring about others. What if you made a choice to change that today? What if you called up that person that you had a falling out with long ago and told them how much they mean to you? Today, you can choose to make that relationship better. You can choose to cherish your kids, even if they are not doing everything you would like for them to do right now. You have the opportunity to live in an alternative universe that allows you to look at things a bit differently. It may not be that different than the world you currently live in, but it could be a much better reality to live in. It may not happen in one day, one week or one year, but please remember that each day is a gift and some of us would give anything for one more “normal” day with those we love. |
Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
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